Rob Ford rips for the Oscars

Well Rob Ford is going to the Oscars. Figured I would mark this ridiculous occasion with a little exercise by writing a host-ready joke rip of him based on each Best Picture nomination. I tried to vary my approach to each one and it also helps if you read them in the voice of Jimmy Fallon (these aren't exactly Ellen's style). Tell me your favourites:

Best Picture nominee Nebraska is shot in black & white; or as Rob Ford knows them, dealer & crack.

The Wolf of Wall Street is about a rich man with a serious drug problem. To get in character Leonardo DiCaprio had to spend a week with Rob Ford.

Her is about a man’s love for a tool named Samantha. The sequel is called Him, about the media’s love for a tool named Rob.

Gravity is nominated this year; or as Rob Ford knows it, the thing that dropped his beer.

A reimagining to 12 Years a Slave is already being planned. Set between the years 2010 - 2022, it’s about the city of Toronto’s struggle to unseat a crack mayor.

Dallas Buyers Club is about a Texan who establishes a place to buy illegal medicine for HIV-positive patients. The film confused Rob Ford, he’s still trying to figure out how a straight cowboy got AIDs.

Philomena, a lady’s search for her adult son. Rob Ford, a man’s search for his adult penis.

Captain Phillips is the true story of a hijacked ship in 2009. Toronto is the true story of a hijacked city in 2014.

American Hustle is the story of a con man manoeuvring politics and the law. Otherwise known as Rob Ford’s instruction manual.